day before my graduation

this entry is originally written April 18, 2011

Supposedly, today must be my last day of acne surgery, but i guess it is not. I am 22 years old, fresh graduate and suffering from acne for 3 years now. Because of this acne invasion on my face, i never got enough courage to go out and look for a job. i'm so ashamed of my face.

When I was a college freshman,  most of my friends envy my face. they say it's smooth  and soft. since i'm on the heavy side, they say i look younger for my age.

i was 19 years old when i noticed zits starts to appear on my forehead. days passed and zits appeared to my nose down  to my chin. since they are not red or swollen and really small (but plenty),  i didn't give a big fuss about it. most of my zits then can be covered by powder and can be treated by my anti-acne cream. i just made sure that I stick to my skin care regimen. when i started to get used to my  face condition, cyst acne came. they are red, swollen and hard. mostly, they gave me headache. i  hate  it!

just before my  21st birthday, shit happened. my face started to have soft swollen bumps. some days after, i can see puss about to burst.

Eversince i  was in 6th grade,  my mom send me to  regualar  facials and professional  skin care specialist whenever my skin gets bad. we even go to dermatologist whenever things gets serious.

yes. i know. some of you may think that i'm giving a big deal and loud nag about my acne situation. "it's puberty. it'll pass. more people are having a bigger problem than a big  fat pimple."

i clearly understand,  and have  nothing against them. what frustrates me is that i'm seeking solutions, professional solutions to my acne  problem. i don't just sit and let puberty pass. i'm spending a fortune on it. i'm dealing with my problems. and that's how  it must be.. deal with your problems, no matter how big or small it is.

going back to my agonizing tale of skin condition. i've already been to 2 dermatologist, 1 internist, and 3 dermclinics on my journey  on finding the solution to my problem. all medications were prescribed and legally bought. i've gone  under  different treatments from deep scubs, chemical peel, glycolic  peel, and  acne  surgey. i also changed my diet. detox,  and  plenty of water. but not a success.

late march when i started acne surgery-glycolic peel-cystic shot procedure with my current dermatologist. i must say that my skin really improved. but when we started my consultation, she said that my face will be clearer by the day of my graduation.

my graduation is tomorrow  and my face  is no where clear.  it has  red bumps,  nasty nasty  acne, and nodules.

i'm really sad. i considered my treatments as an investment for my  confidence. after spending more than 30,000 on all medical procedure and medications, i'm still unfortunate for the day of my graduation. it's my graduation. i didn't care for my birthday, dates, parties, etc... i don't even have my graduation photo taken yet because i'm so ashamed of my acne invaded face.

every time, after my surgery, i can't help but cry... i don't  know  when will this  end. will i always go to doctor to  suck all the puss out of  my face? what if we don't have  money left  for these expensive procedures? 

i can't go out on a regular  basis. i'm so ashamed of my face. i don't  cover my face with make up because i'm afraid that it might worsen my condition. i tried,whenever necessary, but the coverage was just not enough. i can't even go out with my mom for movies. and she labelled me "damaged". suits me well...damaged.

i didn't crammed to treat my face. the doctor even said that i gave her enough time to heal my face for the day of my graduation. i guess doctors charges us steep consultation fees in exchange of flickering hope to our deep dark problematic frustrations.

since i was 19, you'll find very few pictures with me on it. it's just to shameful to have a souvenir of this doomed face. 

i just hold on to what the doctor said the very first  time i walked on to her clinic. right  after she pressed my inflammed cheek,  "there's still hope, you'll be ok"

after 2 months, 7 acne surgery, 4 glycolic peels, 15 antibiotic, 60 tetracyclines, thousands of pesos, and daily heavenly prayers, i'm still not ok.

i'll continue on taking my oral medications and procedures, as long as my mom can provide its costs. after that, i don't know what to do next.

i'm frustrated. i'm sad... i miss my smile and smiling in pictures.